Summer is just around the corner and hundreds of new teenage drivers will be hitting the streets with new-found freedom. “I am out of school, I can drive, I can do whatever I want,” is often their perspective. Parents faced with this situation begin asking the question, “What is a reasonable curfew for my teenager?”
The answer to this is really not the issue. There really is no magic or perfect curfew time. The real issue is the question itself, which assumes that a “curfew” is a healthy way to manage teen activities. This is a flawed assumption that leads to alienating teens from parents.
My grandmother used to say that “nothing good happens after ten o’clock.” I hate to say it, but she is more right than not. Later in the evening teenagers are typically at their worst, they have less impulse control and make more significant errors in judgment than during the day. It is well known that boredom is often the seed to creativity, but later in the evening, boredom can begin leading more to mischief among the teenage population.
Most illegal and immoral activities of concern with our teens occur after dinner time . . . we all know this. On the surface, this makes a good argument for an early curfew. But I would argue that the process of using a curfew causes more trouble . . . let me explain.
When a parent tells a teenager, “Your curfew is 10 pm,” this is what is actually heard: “I can stay out every night until 10pm . . . and I bet I can talk them into 11.” The next thing that happens, based on conversations with thousands of parents in my office, is that the parents never see their kids anymore.
Parents say hello in the morning before school and then goodnight when the kids walk in the door around 10pm. Again, the issue is really not the time. What happens is that, daily, these teens are now attempting to be gone until their curfew time. They often believe they are supposed to. Parents lose touch with where and what they are doing because the only standard in play now is to be home by 10.
Communication and connection begins to suffer greatly, and in many cases is never restored until later in life, if at all. At a time when we should be mentoring the young adults in our home, we see them less than ever. The idea and purpose of family is no more.
A healthier approach to all of this is negotiation. Instead of a curfew, freedom should begin with dialogue. When a teen wants to begin stretching their wings, it should require more engagement with parents, not less.
In other words, there should be no curfew—everything should be on the table for discussion and evaluation . . . now that is true freedom. When your teen wants to go out, they need to present information as to what, why, where, when, who, etc. And if it is reasonable, say yes. If it is not reasonable, begin to mentor them by suggesting and shaping their plan.
Here is a simple example: Johnny wants to go to the movies with Billy . . . the 9:30 pm show. You like Billy and you are cool with kids going to movies, but the show won’t even let out until almost 1 AM. You state: “Nothing good happens after 10 o’clock and besides, I am like my mother and will stay awake until you are in the house . . . so pick an earlier movie.” Now Johnny is faced with either going to the earlier show, not going to the movie and staying home, or introducing a new idea into the discussion . . . and we, as parents, want to figure out a way to say yes to these things.
This process leads to more interaction between parents and teens and, when there are not real plans, teens hanging out at home more often.
The blunt truth is this: if your teenager can’t engage in this type of process, they are not mature enough to handle being out late anyway.
As parents, we have to help our kids engage and dispute the many cultural myths that surround their world such as, “curfew is a good thing, teenage relationships have to have drama, and the teenage years are always difficult and turbulent” . . . because none of these is necessarily true!
Granting privileges just because you think you are supposed to is always a mistake. As parents, we need to see a demonstration of maturity related to the areas where freedom is granted. And when we grant these healthy freedoms and privileges, we can expect our communication and connection with our teens to grow.
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